Fibber’s Closet
Larry McGee
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Golf's mysteries attract & perplex players seeking relaxation
Fibber's Closet
By: Larry McGee
My doctor was assessing my physical condition the other day when he asked, “What do you do for exercise?”
“I play golf,” I replied.
The rest of the conversation went back and forth like this: “Oh, you walk and carry.” “No, I ride.” “Does your partner drive you to your ball?” “No, we drive our own carts.” “You mean the entire foursome has their own carts?” “Yes.” “Why is that?” “We are able to play faster, and we don't have to lift those heavy bags off the cart.” “Do you drink plenty of fluids while playing?” “Does beer count as a fluid?” “You consume beer while playing?” “While playing, watching and when we finish. Say, does elbow bending count as exercise?”
My doctor suggested that I get more exercise, even though I told him I was playing golf nearly every day. As I began to ponder why I was consumed with golf, my fascination with the game became clearer.
Where I play, every member is allowed to own his own golf cart. No one I know walks. Few of those I play with ever borrow a ride.
Golf cars become like muscle cars. They need to be painted and trimmed with mag wheels and in the colder months enclosed complete with a propane heater. Speed is of the essence. The faster the game is played, the longer one can spend at the 19th hole.
In addition to the propane heat, golf carts come complete with beverage holders, coolers for ice and ball washers. Many even have built-in stereos. Part of playing golf is the thrill of driving a souped-up golf cart and letting the wind blow through your hair, or at least in your face. It's a little like going for a horseback ride through the park. You can drive on the grass and across wooden bridges and around ponds stocked with fish, where geese cavort on the surface.
Playing golf is great, as long as you don't have to hit a ball.
Hitting a golf ball is not a natural thing. Children don't hit rocks they find lying on the ground with a stick. They pick up the rock and hit it like a baseball. That's natural.
A golf club is the basic implement in golf, consisting of a long shaft with a head on one end. The head is attached to the shaft at the heel and has a distinct face on one side. All of them are ill suited to hit a rock let alone a ball whose dimples make it more aerodynamic. That basically means the club gets the ball airborne toward (the golfer hopes) the green but more likely toward the woods or the lake, whichever is closer.
The green is a roughly circular expanse of tightly mown and smoothly rolled grass approximately three putts long and four putts wide. Putts are strokes with a club designed to keep the ball from becoming airborne and directed toward the cup. The cup is the hole in the green, not necessarily in the center. Sometimes the hole can be found (with some searching) near the very front edge or back edge or on a hillside, depending on how sadistic the greenskeeper was when he dug the hole that day.
Golf is a simple game made complex by those who play it. Clubs have names and numbers to aid the golfer in selecting the proper club to hit the ball. There are clubs for driving, for fairway play and for hitting from the rough. There are iron clubs used to hit the ball less distance than the driver or other wood clubs, which today aren't made from wood, although the name remains. Wedges are designed to hit the ball high into the air or out of the sand traps (another obstacle designed to attract your ball). All the clubs are designed for a particular purpose, but in the hands of a mere mortal, they seldom perform as advertised.
A greens fee is the charge for playing a round of golf. When paying this sum, mediocre players should keep in mind that golfers who routinely shoot par are shelling out as much as $2 for every shot they take, but a hopeless duffer often pays less than 50 cents per stroke.
There was a time when I paid considerably more than I do now because I am considered a senior. This is a golfer who attributes his poor play to the fact that he lacks the physique of a younger player. Of course, when you consider how much is expended on the golf course to consume beer, it might make more sense to just go to the tavern and skip the golf.
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“I play golf,” I replied.
The rest of the conversation went back and forth like this: “Oh, you walk and carry.” “No, I ride.” “Does your partner drive you to your ball?” “No, we drive our own carts.” “You mean the entire foursome has their own carts?” “Yes.” “Why is that?” “We are able to play faster, and we don't have to lift those heavy bags off the cart.” “Do you drink plenty of fluids while playing?” “Does beer count as a fluid?” “You consume beer while playing?” “While playing, watching and when we finish. Say, does elbow bending count as exercise?”
My doctor suggested that I get more exercise, even though I told him I was playing golf nearly every day. As I began to ponder why I was consumed with golf, my fascination with the game became clearer.
Where I play, every member is allowed to own his own golf cart. No one I know walks. Few of those I play with ever borrow a ride.
Golf cars become like muscle cars. They need to be painted and trimmed with mag wheels and in the colder months enclosed complete with a propane heater. Speed is of the essence. The faster the game is played, the longer one can spend at the 19th hole.
In addition to the propane heat, golf carts come complete with beverage holders, coolers for ice and ball washers. Many even have built-in stereos. Part of playing golf is the thrill of driving a souped-up golf cart and letting the wind blow through your hair, or at least in your face. It's a little like going for a horseback ride through the park. You can drive on the grass and across wooden bridges and around ponds stocked with fish, where geese cavort on the surface.
Playing golf is great, as long as you don't have to hit a ball.
Hitting a golf ball is not a natural thing. Children don't hit rocks they find lying on the ground with a stick. They pick up the rock and hit it like a baseball. That's natural.
A golf club is the basic implement in golf, consisting of a long shaft with a head on one end. The head is attached to the shaft at the heel and has a distinct face on one side. All of them are ill suited to hit a rock let alone a ball whose dimples make it more aerodynamic. That basically means the club gets the ball airborne toward (the golfer hopes) the green but more likely toward the woods or the lake, whichever is closer.
The green is a roughly circular expanse of tightly mown and smoothly rolled grass approximately three putts long and four putts wide. Putts are strokes with a club designed to keep the ball from becoming airborne and directed toward the cup. The cup is the hole in the green, not necessarily in the center. Sometimes the hole can be found (with some searching) near the very front edge or back edge or on a hillside, depending on how sadistic the greenskeeper was when he dug the hole that day.
Golf is a simple game made complex by those who play it. Clubs have names and numbers to aid the golfer in selecting the proper club to hit the ball. There are clubs for driving, for fairway play and for hitting from the rough. There are iron clubs used to hit the ball less distance than the driver or other wood clubs, which today aren't made from wood, although the name remains. Wedges are designed to hit the ball high into the air or out of the sand traps (another obstacle designed to attract your ball). All the clubs are designed for a particular purpose, but in the hands of a mere mortal, they seldom perform as advertised.
A greens fee is the charge for playing a round of golf. When paying this sum, mediocre players should keep in mind that golfers who routinely shoot par are shelling out as much as $2 for every shot they take, but a hopeless duffer often pays less than 50 cents per stroke.
There was a time when I paid considerably more than I do now because I am considered a senior. This is a golfer who attributes his poor play to the fact that he lacks the physique of a younger player. Of course, when you consider how much is expended on the golf course to consume beer, it might make more sense to just go to the tavern and skip the golf.