Gene Morris
Join our Mailing List!
Please click the link below to sign up for your community paper mailing list. Stay up to date with all the events going on in your community as well as the latest news.Sign Up Today!
Shopping for clothes more of a marathon than sprint
Morris Code
By Gene Morris, gmorris@miconews.com
I had rather long thought men were superior to women in athletics. The numbers back me up on this: men have the fastest time in the 100-meter dash, lifted more weight in the bench press and have thrown a baseball faster.
Florence Griffith Joyner holds the women’s 100-meter dash record in 10.49 seconds. Usain Bolt set the men’s record May 31 at 9.72 seconds.
Shannon Pole-Summers lifted more weight than any other woman in the bench press with a mark of 531 pounds. Ryan Kennelly posted a weight in the bench press of 1,050 pounds in December 2007.
The fastest softball pitch ever recorded was 73 miles per hour. Nolan Ryan was clocked on radar throwing a baseball 101.9 miles per hour.
Numbers are meaningless. I came to this realization a couple of weeks ago when I was hoodwinked, bamboozled and flat out duped into shopping for some new threads.
Marathons are a grueling test of endurance and will power. As physically grinding as they are, one knows there is a finish line.
When it comes to shopping and women are involved, “a little while” might as well mean the rest of your life.
Lori Massey and Kathy Troutman, two women I work with at The Miami County Republic, kicked me good in a shopping marathon for the ages.
Following three swap meets, I still had a pulse as we headed to Kohl’s. I figured I would wait in the car, but I got talked into going inside.
Lori lured me with talk of coupons for 10 to 20 percent off and bargain racks.
I bought it, and I must say, the shopping bug caught me when I started to see the savings. I picked up a pair of Urban Pipeline cargo-style khakis for $8 on the bargain rack, which were normally $50, and couldn’t believe it.
I had been getting teased unmercifully for my jeans and slacks, which are two sizes too big for me. Six months ago the 38 pants fit, maybe a tad loose, but I call that simple comfort. Thanks to a new pop-free lifestyle encouraged by my girlfriend, Shannon, even my 36s are getting baggy.
We hit Kohl’s, Gordman’s, Macy’s and J.C. Penney to the tune of one pair of khakis, a pair of two-toned blue jeans, four pairs of dress slacks, two silk Alfani dress shirts and a pair of Nunn Bush black dress shoes for a grand total of $160.
Between clearance racks and discount cards from “coupon queen” Lori, I saved $230.
After finding the jeans and two shirts at Macy’s, I thought I was doing pretty good at clothes shopping, even if I did a little “mannequin shopping.” I figured if it looked good on the mannequin, the combinations would work for me, so I hunted for what a few of them had on. Funny stuff, I know, but they don’t have Garanimals for adults.
My enthusiasm for this clothing safari began to wane when the ladies walked into the shoe department.
I was quickly reminded why men hate to shop. Two words: women, shoes.
Seconds seemed like months. I thought I was going to miss the World Series and most of the National Football League season.
It was a good hour before we were on the road again. I was going to live, I thought, but the end was not in sight as I had come to believe.
Having left at 6:15 in the morning, I was done. It was pushing 3 in the afternoon.
Being a man, I thought surely the women had to be ready to go home.
That’s what I got for thinking.
We had another 90 minutes to go. We hit Oak Park Mall, and I wanted to die when the women found the swimsuits.
“We are just going to look for a little while,” Lori said.
I stood on my already worn-out feet for “a little while,” which was, of course, more like 45 minutes.
There were benches, right by the fitting rooms. No thanks. I found a pillar by the dresses to lean against where I am sure more than one woman wondered why the male mannequin was on the women’s floor.
Uncle already. I’m done. Women, you win.
I’d rather tackle the marathon any day, but I did come out with some new threads that actually fit me, and many have celebrated in the knowledge that two pairs of well-worn but comfortable, baggy blue jeans were headed to the landfill.
Lori reminded me that next on the list is my eyes. I thought, what now? I have a new hairstyle, and my wardrobe has been exposed to the 21st century.
“Do I need new color eyes, too?” I asked. Lori almost lost her smoothie.
With contacts these days, the possibilities are endless. I think I’ll just stick to a pair of more modern frames.
printable version
e-mail this story
Florence Griffith Joyner holds the women’s 100-meter dash record in 10.49 seconds. Usain Bolt set the men’s record May 31 at 9.72 seconds.
Shannon Pole-Summers lifted more weight than any other woman in the bench press with a mark of 531 pounds. Ryan Kennelly posted a weight in the bench press of 1,050 pounds in December 2007.
The fastest softball pitch ever recorded was 73 miles per hour. Nolan Ryan was clocked on radar throwing a baseball 101.9 miles per hour.
Numbers are meaningless. I came to this realization a couple of weeks ago when I was hoodwinked, bamboozled and flat out duped into shopping for some new threads.
Marathons are a grueling test of endurance and will power. As physically grinding as they are, one knows there is a finish line.
When it comes to shopping and women are involved, “a little while” might as well mean the rest of your life.
Lori Massey and Kathy Troutman, two women I work with at The Miami County Republic, kicked me good in a shopping marathon for the ages.
Following three swap meets, I still had a pulse as we headed to Kohl’s. I figured I would wait in the car, but I got talked into going inside.
Lori lured me with talk of coupons for 10 to 20 percent off and bargain racks.
I bought it, and I must say, the shopping bug caught me when I started to see the savings. I picked up a pair of Urban Pipeline cargo-style khakis for $8 on the bargain rack, which were normally $50, and couldn’t believe it.
I had been getting teased unmercifully for my jeans and slacks, which are two sizes too big for me. Six months ago the 38 pants fit, maybe a tad loose, but I call that simple comfort. Thanks to a new pop-free lifestyle encouraged by my girlfriend, Shannon, even my 36s are getting baggy.
We hit Kohl’s, Gordman’s, Macy’s and J.C. Penney to the tune of one pair of khakis, a pair of two-toned blue jeans, four pairs of dress slacks, two silk Alfani dress shirts and a pair of Nunn Bush black dress shoes for a grand total of $160.
Between clearance racks and discount cards from “coupon queen” Lori, I saved $230.
After finding the jeans and two shirts at Macy’s, I thought I was doing pretty good at clothes shopping, even if I did a little “mannequin shopping.” I figured if it looked good on the mannequin, the combinations would work for me, so I hunted for what a few of them had on. Funny stuff, I know, but they don’t have Garanimals for adults.
My enthusiasm for this clothing safari began to wane when the ladies walked into the shoe department.
I was quickly reminded why men hate to shop. Two words: women, shoes.
Seconds seemed like months. I thought I was going to miss the World Series and most of the National Football League season.
It was a good hour before we were on the road again. I was going to live, I thought, but the end was not in sight as I had come to believe.
Having left at 6:15 in the morning, I was done. It was pushing 3 in the afternoon.
Being a man, I thought surely the women had to be ready to go home.
That’s what I got for thinking.
We had another 90 minutes to go. We hit Oak Park Mall, and I wanted to die when the women found the swimsuits.
“We are just going to look for a little while,” Lori said.
I stood on my already worn-out feet for “a little while,” which was, of course, more like 45 minutes.
There were benches, right by the fitting rooms. No thanks. I found a pillar by the dresses to lean against where I am sure more than one woman wondered why the male mannequin was on the women’s floor.
Uncle already. I’m done. Women, you win.
I’d rather tackle the marathon any day, but I did come out with some new threads that actually fit me, and many have celebrated in the knowledge that two pairs of well-worn but comfortable, baggy blue jeans were headed to the landfill.
Lori reminded me that next on the list is my eyes. I thought, what now? I have a new hairstyle, and my wardrobe has been exposed to the 21st century.
“Do I need new color eyes, too?” I asked. Lori almost lost her smoothie.
With contacts these days, the possibilities are endless. I think I’ll just stick to a pair of more modern frames.